Self - ish!

I know that it is important. It is important to spend time feeling for others and caring for them. It is important to step away from ego and do something selfless for others. But I am drained and need a pump for myself now. I have a feeling of being selfish, and my strength is being directed in another direction presently. I feel egocentric and I am enjoying it, really.
I have been giving too much to others and not enough to myself and things happened this weekend that make me want to just focus on myself.
Kindness to others is important, don't get me wrong, but as a mother and wife, I am afraid I have strangled the person I am and she might not be breathing anymore. Psh, not that bad, but bad enough.
So, I might be wallowing in self pity, but I know I am not, I shall not waste my time on that enough time has been wasted on fencing myself. So I should write about all the energy I am spending upon myself and how nice it feels.
I realised today that I have not got photos of me in the house, so I took my photo albums, found photos of me, from my timeline (!) and scanned them and posted them on facebook and put them into a large frame and made a collage of me, smiling and happy photos and ... now I don't know where in the house to put it up!
Thinking Ill do another something like that about me tomorrow! That should be good. I think it should be fun, cause today I looked at myself in all my forms, and I didn't recognise her as well as I should, maybe because I have not paid attention to her or maybe because I didn't look at her often enough.
For what I can do while I am alive with this person in whose spirit I live, I should at least uphold her and not call that ego.

A year from now, I will be over there.

I am too far away
in the landscape of my mind
for having a conversation
with myself.

Even if I do shout it out,
the wind will carry it away
and I will not hear myself 

speak.

Too far away to listen to my heart
Beckon my head in from the fog
Fathom the signs in the distance
Or find the little red dot on my map which says "I am here"

To then decide where I want to be.
I am not at all in the frame of mind 

to jiggle this jar of my being 

to swish the contents around. 

And say, "here I am!"

Gazing the green and blue horizon from a magnificent cliff! I am alone in a serene place, and it is quiet. The wind is stirring the elements but I, I am still inside and out.

Who's there?

There is a buzz in my ear. It is coming from within. My eyes roll inside my head as if to find who it is making this distant sound. And I find it then, just as I momentarily fling away all the others that dwell in my skull, in that quietness of my mind she is wailing, calling me to her. That noise is her knock-knock knocking on heaven's door.

From the mind springs the power to live!

I am making a concerted effort to learn to think outside the box.

So each day I wake up and say, today I am thinking of, eg, what I might do with my next voice message that will be different from what I left yesterday.

Putting a thought agenda into my morning, from the moment I am building up my day, from the first chores I do, I have learned to tune my mind to spin around the thought and see it in different and new directions.

I have learnt this from when I am mulling over the past and how my brain starts looking at that and fine tunes it so that I am living it in my reality today, as if that was happening to me now! Why not use that power and make it work for me, and use it on a forward moving, positively growing train that will rumble in the jungle with glee?

And even a simple idea for a voice mail message to prospects is turning out to be a challenging and fruitful endeavour!

Who needs to be urgent for me?

My family knows there is no one I put ahead of them.
If they want to bank on someone, choose anyone, it will be me.
But all the things that I ask of them, are never ever done.
And if I get what I want from them, it is because I forced them.

My husband knows that I am his slave.
If he needs a solid structure to lean on, it will be me.
But all the things I need as wife, are never just given to me
And if I get what I want from him, it is because I begged him.

My family knows that I am fierce, just to make them be brave.
If they ever want to learn something, it will be me who will teach them.
But when I want them to behave like friends, I often get the brats in them.
And then its not worth anything when they are not good to she who made them.

My husband knows that I am loving, just to make his life be grand
If he ever wants or needs anything, I will give him his every demand
But when I want a loving companion, I get a stubborn man
And there is no kindness no love no wit no friend, just his bitter angst!

My family knows that I am living on the same time line
If they want a legacy from me, I too should have one from them
But all the direction, all the years that I am a mother not just a dame
And all the missing bits I need filled in, will be just lost into thin air

My husband knows that I lived with him to make my life better
If he wants a laugh from me, I should have one from him too
But all the chats and days and times that make me wife not just a dame
And the joy I needed in our lives, were smiles he never gave to float into my air.