Self Esteem

I reach for self esteem each morning instead of that nagging alarm.

I grab something in the dark, and most times what I get is not what I imagined I was reaching for.

Failing to find the right vibe repeatedly. I feel lost, cheated, and I ricochet through my day, floundering.

So now that I am forty three, I might rightly think that age may have taught me lessons in direction. 

At forty three, I'm stumbling. Finding nothing worth finding. Knowing it's not out here that I should be looking but inside here somewhere. 

Things just don't go wrong, I make it wrong and I know that. I start it in my head, I see the dark shadow, not the light. I own the wrong hard words, not the beloved mouth that spoke. 

I eat them and swallow and fuel my self with pain. I don't feel the love I know I feel for everyone for my self. That I feel what I feel because I make myself do that.

And I pinch my soul. Does that make me feel alive? I cast a shadow on me wanting you to shine your light. Does that mean i belong? I'm lost and never found. Does that mean I matter not?